Everybody's got something to say about all the other folks in the world. Sometimes it's openly envious. For example, everybody seems to think that the people in other parts of the country tend to be more open and friendly, but maybe a bit shallow. And that's in any country. I've heard it in Germany, New Zealand, England, America, you name it. Bavarians always say that Bavarians are hard to get to know, but once you get to know them, they'll open up to you once and for all; unlike those superficial Rhinelanders. Rhinelanders say the exact same thing, but tend to throw in a bunch of insults about Bavarians being rednecks.
One place there's near-total agreement, however, is on the subject of geography. For some reason, everybody, including Americans, think that the rest of the world spends all their time studying political maps in dog-eared old atlases, committing world capitols and currencies to memory for some mysterious, global Jeopardy match we never get invited to. There's an accepted common knowledge that Americans have no idea where anything is, and are ignorant, arrogant boors.
What utter bullshit. I've lived in Europe for over 5 years now, and in thousands of conversations involving the States, there has never been a single occurence of a European knowing where Atlanta is. They all know Atlanta's in Georgia, somehow, probably from flying through Hartsfield, but not a single one of them has a clue as to where Georgia is. Usually, they think it's on the West Coast. That's America, right? Palm trees and bikini girls? Once they find out it's in the Southeast, they figure it's on the same latitude as, say, Munich. Or maybe Athens? Try Casablanca. Germany doesn't share any latitudes with the United States; except maybe Alaska. I guess
Europeans have absolutely no concept of geography. They plan 1-week road trips in the States, starting in New York, ending in San Francisco. They visit Chicago, and plan on hopping over to Dallas for a day-trip. The U.S., in their minds, seems about as big as Disney World, with a tram between all the major attractions. Of course, when I was 10 I went to Epcot Center and thought I'd just walked through Europe in about a day. But that's different; Epcot actually looks a little bit like Europe, minus the dogshit on the sidewalks.
One more stereotype that really has me befuddled is coffee. For some reason, everybody thinks Europeans drink a) a lot of coffee, and b) really strong coffee. Let me blow this one out of the water right now. I drink a lot of coffee. Everybody I know in the States drinks a lot of coffee. Europeans? 1 cup. That's it, 1 little cup. In Italy, they only drink one cup, and it's about the size of a shot glass. No refills. No "You wamme to warm that up for ya, Sugar?" Waffle House perks. In Germany, they have some kind of obsession about drinking coffee out of those cappuccino machines. That stuff tastes like thinned-out axle grease, albeit with a hint of nuttiness. Filter coffee is much better. It's smooth, strong-bodied, and actually smells good.
A German boss of mine stopped me in the office cafeteria once, and asked me what I thought of the new cappuccino-style coffee machine he'd just had installed. I told him I hadn't used it, that in the IT department we had our own dripper that we used. He sniffed, then said, "Oh yes, I forgot, you're American. You have no taste." Then walked on. I was miffed for a second. Then realized he was wearing a bright-orange jumpsuit, sandals, yellow sunglasses and, I swear to God, a pith helmet. I figured I'd let it go.
My only co-worker in IT was a Saxon. According to him, Saxons also can't stand the cruddy java that other Germans drink, preferring the manly filter-coffee. Maybe it's because, being East Germans, they appreciate the good things in life that pampered, effete West Germans long taken for granted. Anyway, once the automat was installed in the cafeteria, we absconded with the old dripper, and would have defended it with our lives. I hid it behind the mail server; it was hooked up to the battery backup system, lest the power fail.
Micheal Moore is a real hot potato in American and European Politics. He's the man that gives a voice, not to mention a cherubic, smiling face, to the good side of the American soul. His bucolic, emotional films have earned a special place in the National Conscience, casting that warm light upon family values which makes one feel good about being an American. He fills that void left by such "Golden Years" greats as Norman Rockwell, and Frank Capra.
So it baffles me when I read accounts like this one:
Moore, who attended this week's Republican National Convention as a columnist for USA Today, was greeted by delegates who derided him as a "fat pig."
Perhaps they read the book by David Hardy and Jason Clarke, "Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man." Or they came across the suggested slogan for the Web site moorewatch.com "Michael Moore: Putting the vast in vast left-wing conspiracy."
...
The reporter describes the allusions to Moore's husky figure as "...the last acceptable slur in the American arsenal of insults", but I'm sorry: I'm a proud American, and I do not consider this insult acceptable in the least.
I understand how it is when mean-spirited thugs make fun of your body. I understand what Mr. Moore is going through. I, too, have been on the receiving end of personal insults. When I was a teenager, unsure of myself, my body, my own self-worth, the other children would gather in circles and ridicule my enormous, perfectly-shaped penis.
Astonished, giggling 18-year-old girls can be cruel, and creative. Rube McKneehanger they'd call me; Hung-Lo-Rube's Drive-in Noodle Bar; Sir Packs-a-lot; you name it. But through it all, I remained firm, and stood proudly. I salute you Michael Moore, for overcoming such small-minded hatred. I commend you, for sticking it out; as did I all those years ago, oh so many, many times; it takes a tough man to stick to his guns, and endure the insults and derision for almost an entire half a night, while getting paid for an entire week.
Go eat a donut, you whiny-ass tub of goo.
Update:
Did I read that correctly? There's a National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance? What the fuck? Google....
Live-blogging of Rube losing absolutely all the faith in humanity that remained in his shrivelled, black little heart.
(brought to you by the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance)
Ok, let's get started.
1:10AM: Here is an interesting Q & A between American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, and a bunch of fat people (with pic!). Excerpt:
Question: If two fat passengers fly together, can they buy three seats between them?
Southwest: No. Both must buy two seats. They may get a refund if the plane is not full if they let us know in advance.
Interesting. At the top of that page, they've written
"Event description: "You are a part of history. NAAFA as invited representatives from Southwest, United, American, Continental, and other airlines to discuss how we can help them better serve our community. Rules of conduct will be available prior to the meeting."
I will leave it as an excercise for the reader(s) to contemplate what 'rules' the airlines felt they had to have in writing beforehand.
1:23AM: Reading more, there's a State of the NAAFA Paper. They apparently have their own jargon. The President, Kara Brewer Allen, who probably bears little or no resemblance to Ann Coulter til around last call, warns the herd against "Feederism", whatever the hell that is.
1:26AM: I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable here...
We LONG to be united! We MUST be united! Healthy choices and lifestyles for ALL PEOPLE People of any SIZE OR SHAPE! NAAFA will be the leading FORCE for all Americans of Size.
Why did they capitalize "FORCE" like that?
1:29AM: I seeeeee...: "Dieting is the leading cause of obesity in the US."
1:32AM: Airline Tips for Large Passengers: GATE TRANSPORTATION - It's usually a long walk between curbside check-in and the gate, or between gates when you have connecting flights. When making your reservations, make sure to tell the agent if you will need special services, such as the airport tra m or an armless wheelchair and attendant.
I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of that last point about dieting there. Maybe stuffing your face to the point of semi-consciousness, then asking to be wheeled around instead of walking could have something to do with obesity?
Ugh. Enough. Fat people screaming about insensitive treatment. Enjoy being fat, or don't be fat. Unless it's a 'glandular thing', I mean, wink.
